Oroku Saki (But You May Call Me the Shredder)

I have a new business plan. I'm going to start one of those companies that goes around shredding your important confidential documents in the back of a giant truck. You know the kind I'm talking about -- you're office probably has one come in and shred your completely useless print outs of funny e-mails.

But I'm going to do it better. I'm going to put a scanner on the shredder feeder. I'll save each document to a hard drive, then sell the documents later.

I'll make a fortune selling your credit card statements!

Tiger Scroll

My roommate's parents work for the State Department in Bejing. I asked them if they wouldn't mind picking up a "Tiger Scroll" for me. Having seen Kungfu Panda several times, I was quite certian that the scroll would provide me with magical Kungfu Powers. I mean, like the Panda I'm lazy, enjoy cookies, and think I know Kung Fu (Also similar to Keanu Reeves . . . He also knows Kung Fu.)

To date, however, I'm afraid to report that the scroll is not working as designed. My martial arts prowess has not improved significantly. Of course, I can't help but wonder if it isn't because it was painted by a guy who makes twelve cents an hour and eats dirt to survive.

I guess what I'm really saying is that I do not, in fact, know Kung Fu.

Airborne Diseases

I went to an Air Show at Hill Air Force Base, and saw a Al-Quida operative.

How could I tell you ask? Well I'll explain.

For the most part, Air Show attendees are your average truck driving, right wing, blow crap up, republican, red-neck type, nut job type.

Then I saw her -- Early 20's, shorts so short her butt cheeks were hanging out, piercings all over her face and and a tramp stamp on her back . . . and arm . . . and stomach . . . and chest . . . and legs . . . and butt . . . and boob . . . well, you get the picture.

I first realized something was wrong when she walked in front of my chair and stood their eying the FA18 Hornet. The closer she got, the more I realized that I was in mortal danger of catching a disease by proximity, a process that biologists call a "Species Jump."

And that's when I realized, she was a walking biological weapon. All she needed to do was get on a plane and it was all over.

So I did what any conscientious citizen would do. Pointed out to everyone that she was hanging out of her tube top, giggled and went back to watching the FA18.

Chasing My Tail

So I'm following myself on my own blog, because I thought it was embarrassing to have it say, "No one is following this blog, be the first, because it is clearly so uninteresting that no one reads anything I put here. That's pretty loosery -- like sending yourself flowers, seeing a movie by yourself, or eating lunch alone at Burger King. What, not even the hobo in the corner would eat with you? Geeze, that's pathetic, you should send yourself some flowers.

Better Than Me

I once overheard someone being criticized for thinkging they were, "God's gift to Women." And then I realized how good it is to be narcissistic, because hey, no one is going to give me crap for believing I'm God's gift to me.

The Stuffy Head, Let Me Sleep When I Want Medicine

I had a cold, and so I bought some Nyquil. And some Dayquil.

First, let me tell you, I LOVE NyQuil. It's the closest I come to drinking, and man, I sip that little cup of cherry goodness for as long as possible.

But it has one downside: It makes you very sleepy. So sleepy, that one starts to wonder around the house muttering, "sweepy time for Naphan." Which, is pretty awesome when you've got a cold.

However, let's say you've got somewhere to be in the morning. NyQuil is the Stuffy nose, Stuffy head, make you sleep for 16 hours straight medicine.

DayQuil, however, has much the opposite affect (unless mixed with NyQuil, which is a whole different discussion.) That crap keeps me up.

So I ask you rhetorically, (unless you work for Vicks Pharmaceuticals, then I ask you specifically) Why do they have to make DayQuil and NyQuil? Why not SleepWheneverYouDamnWellPleaseQuil? Why must my Quil be related to my sleeping habits? I want medicine for my cold not my sleeping disorders.

Ikea is Swedish for Brainwash

The Swedes are evil. 100 % pure, 200 proof, complete and total evil.

All I wanted was a picture frame. And they manipulated me, confused me, possibly tortured me. I don't know how, but they've brain washed me to believing that I needed stuff -- A lot of stuff.

I walked in with a purpose. I needed one $10 item. A frame.

I bought 4 frames in two sizes. Three small accent lights. A floor lamp. A clock. A Rolling Pin. A Knife Sharpener. Glass Canisters. Some weird cable organizer thing, and a bunch of crap that I can't even identify at this point. What do I need glass canisters for? I'm a man. My flour came in a bag, it will stay in a bag. And that goes double for the sugar.

It's like a freaking pottery barn catalog exploded in here.

Then again, they provide a lot of convenient solutions for modern living. Bah! They've even infiltrated my blog!

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go get a new gun to undo all the unmanliness left over from the "textiles" showrooms.

Freaking Swedes.

Giving the Toe

I got a pair of closed toed shoes. Well, sort of. They're Vibram Five Fingers. Think of it as a foot glove, each toe separated out. You're basically barefoot with a sole to protect you from heat and sharp rocks.

Now when my boss says I have to wear shoes, I can slip these bad boys on and give them the finger -- with a toe.

Score Bars

Does anyone else think that the Score Bars, the delicious toffee and chocolate candy bar, are ironically named? I mean, I just ate two of them, and I'm pretty sure that isn't going to help me score with anything, except maybe a hip-hop po-potamus.

Update: It turns out that one of the delicious candy bars was actually a Heath Bar; however, I have concern since I don't even know what a "Heath" is. For that that matter I don't even know what part of speech "Heath" is supposed to be -- is that an adjective, noun, verb or one of the less liked parts of speech? (That's right, I'm talking about you, gerund.)

In any case I feel less mislead by the Heath Bar people since I've never tried to "Heath" with anyone, so far as I know, and I feel more likely to attract a girl named Heath if I keep eating that much candy before bed. And that's what I really want in my candy. Truth about what I'll get after eating it.

Update 2: In a twist of fate, and after substantial additional and through Heath vs. Score Bar research, it turns out that I like the Score Bar better, despite what they've done to me. Delicious, ironic, despotic mistress of candy lies!

Magic Hobos

Why is it that hobos always have two things:

1) Cardboard
2) Really good magic markers.

I was looking in my house the other day for a magic marker and I couldn't find one to save my life. I buy bazillions of these things, but they're always missing.

Yet the guy with the "No food 3 days" sign has it written in thick, dark black ink -- all the signs of having access to a new high quality magic marker. Where did he get that marker if he couldn't afford food for three days? Maybe that marker was an investment, but I think something more sinister is happening.

At first I wondered if all the homeless guys get together and go in on a Costco pack of markers to save money. That's what I thought I would I'd do if I were homeless. Then I realized, I'd probably just come steal all you your magic markers, because chances are you bought a Costco pack of them at some point too.

And that's when I realized hobos have been stealing my markers, and probably yours too! So, the next time you see a hobo, instead of giving him money or a sandwich, tackle him and yell, "Give me back my marker, you thieving hobo!" At first he'll think you're trying to steal from him, but in the end he'll just give you the marker because he knows he stole it too.

Trying to Look Like Jesus

Yesterday in church I met Jesus. Not the Jesus, mind you, but a guy who looked a lot like him. I decided to institute a new policy due to this experience: Always be really nice to people who look like Jesus, because, hey, you never know.

GoDaddy (oh)

I just went to pay my Amex bill and found a charge for $143 from GoDaddy.com. Now, I know I have a hosting account with them, and I buy random domain names from time to time, but really, what the hell did I buy that auto renewed for $143 bucks -- www.I'mAMoronWhoBuysDomainsForNoReasonAndSetsThemTo
AutoRenewBecauseIDontCareAboutMyMoney.com?

Luckily I get 3% cash back so I'm only 97% as pissed as I otherwise would be.

Ye Elders O' Israel

So I, of all people, was called to be an Elder's Quorum teacher. Are they completely unaware of the shear quantity of blasphemy that I think is funny?

Fitches and Hoes

I saw a group of people the other day that looked like they fell out of an Abercrombe and Fitch catalog. The males of the group whom up until now I referred to as "Sweet Dudes" had their sweet dude attitude along with their sweet dude attire, and their sweet dude female counterparts. I noted that they looked like an nightmareish Ambercrombe catalog, to which my friend responded, that they're just a bunch of Fitches.

"Fitches and Hoes," I replied, "Fitches and Hoes."

Punctual Hippies

I've got a beef with the Harri Krishna temple. Earlier this year I tried to go to the Festival of Colors at the Harri Krishna temple. It was so crowded that we had to park some distance out. I was about a mile out when I saw a giant plume of colored powder go up, right at 5:45 PM, just when they're fliers said it would happen. Now I ask you, when did all hippies at this festival become so bloody punctual that when they say they're going to to chuck a bunch of powdered colors at each other that they do it at exactly the time they prescribe? I mean really 5:45 sounds like a time you tell people to get there when you know they're going to be late and you actually mean show up around 6:00.

I'll give them another chance with Llama fest, but if they don't have Llama burgers for sale, I just don't think I'll be able to trust them anymore.

Stupid Staff Doesn't Part Anything

I'm a simple man, with simple needs. For example, when I find myself riding shotgun in a Jeep on the edge of a 200 foot cliff driving over the remainder of an avalanche field in June at 1:00 AM, I'm reminded of my basic need for not dying in a flaming ball of steel being crushed by my own body weight and the boulders that would inevitably follow into the black chasm of doom.

(For those of you playing the home version of Horrible Ways to Die here's your bonus question: the human body can withstand around 10 kilo newtons of force during a fall without completely shattering. How many KN of force would be exerted by a Jeep Rubicon over 200 feet rolling down a 80 degree slope? )

As it turns out, Squaw Peak Road, nestled above Utah Vally at between 6,500 and 8,300 feet still has substantial snowy patches in June. Who would've guessed, a high mountain road cut into the face of 11,000 foot peaks still has snow. And that therefore, one should not wear flip flops in case you get the Jeep stuck behind say a gigantic pack of snow and ice left by an avalanche on the edge of a big cliff in pitch black dark, where said snow pack is only really passable going one way? Who would assume such a thing when driving over the giant avalanche remains the first time? Huh?

OK, so I suppose I'm exaggerating a bit about how tough/dangerous it was. Yes, the cliff really was about that high based on my Google Earth satellite imagery estimates, but we had a fair amount of clearance between us and where the road stopped being road and started being a drop off. On our way up the road, we climbed the snow field with minimal problems. Once over it, we kept on going until the road narrowed, the mountain became north facing and there was only 2 to 3 feet of passable roadway with shear drop-offs. So back we went (in reverse for a while, because, when I say big cliffs, I mean really big cliffs.)

What really made it exciting was when we got back to the avalanche field we hopped earlier, we discovered that it wasn't exactly shaped in a way that made it easy to cross back over. We decided that despite having the right drive systems, we were going to need to use a wench to help pull the Jeep up and keep if from falling off the mountain. I climbed up on top of the snow in my hobbit footed flip flops to find a suitable tree. And that's where I found my souvenir -- an awesome quarterstaff like stick that the avalanche had pulled down from the trees above.

Thinking quickly I used the staff to try and part the snow field in a Mosaic fashion that hasn't been seen in thousands of years.

Then we hauled the Jeep over using the wench because apparently I was being smitten for blasphemy as evidenced by the fact that the snow didn't part at all. What good is a quarterstaff if it doesn't part stuff? That thing couldn't part the hair on Conan O'Brian's toupee.

Stupid staff.