Tiger Scroll

My roommate's parents work for the State Department in Bejing. I asked them if they wouldn't mind picking up a "Tiger Scroll" for me. Having seen Kungfu Panda several times, I was quite certian that the scroll would provide me with magical Kungfu Powers. I mean, like the Panda I'm lazy, enjoy cookies, and think I know Kung Fu (Also similar to Keanu Reeves . . . He also knows Kung Fu.)

To date, however, I'm afraid to report that the scroll is not working as designed. My martial arts prowess has not improved significantly. Of course, I can't help but wonder if it isn't because it was painted by a guy who makes twelve cents an hour and eats dirt to survive.

I guess what I'm really saying is that I do not, in fact, know Kung Fu.

Giving the Toe

I got a pair of closed toed shoes. Well, sort of. They're Vibram Five Fingers. Think of it as a foot glove, each toe separated out. You're basically barefoot with a sole to protect you from heat and sharp rocks.

Now when my boss says I have to wear shoes, I can slip these bad boys on and give them the finger -- with a toe.

Score Bars

Does anyone else think that the Score Bars, the delicious toffee and chocolate candy bar, are ironically named? I mean, I just ate two of them, and I'm pretty sure that isn't going to help me score with anything, except maybe a hip-hop po-potamus.

Update: It turns out that one of the delicious candy bars was actually a Heath Bar; however, I have concern since I don't even know what a "Heath" is. For that that matter I don't even know what part of speech "Heath" is supposed to be -- is that an adjective, noun, verb or one of the less liked parts of speech? (That's right, I'm talking about you, gerund.)

In any case I feel less mislead by the Heath Bar people since I've never tried to "Heath" with anyone, so far as I know, and I feel more likely to attract a girl named Heath if I keep eating that much candy before bed. And that's what I really want in my candy. Truth about what I'll get after eating it.

Update 2: In a twist of fate, and after substantial additional and through Heath vs. Score Bar research, it turns out that I like the Score Bar better, despite what they've done to me. Delicious, ironic, despotic mistress of candy lies!

Magic Hobos

Why is it that hobos always have two things:

1) Cardboard
2) Really good magic markers.

I was looking in my house the other day for a magic marker and I couldn't find one to save my life. I buy bazillions of these things, but they're always missing.

Yet the guy with the "No food 3 days" sign has it written in thick, dark black ink -- all the signs of having access to a new high quality magic marker. Where did he get that marker if he couldn't afford food for three days? Maybe that marker was an investment, but I think something more sinister is happening.

At first I wondered if all the homeless guys get together and go in on a Costco pack of markers to save money. That's what I thought I would I'd do if I were homeless. Then I realized, I'd probably just come steal all you your magic markers, because chances are you bought a Costco pack of them at some point too.

And that's when I realized hobos have been stealing my markers, and probably yours too! So, the next time you see a hobo, instead of giving him money or a sandwich, tackle him and yell, "Give me back my marker, you thieving hobo!" At first he'll think you're trying to steal from him, but in the end he'll just give you the marker because he knows he stole it too.

Fitches and Hoes

I saw a group of people the other day that looked like they fell out of an Abercrombe and Fitch catalog. The males of the group whom up until now I referred to as "Sweet Dudes" had their sweet dude attitude along with their sweet dude attire, and their sweet dude female counterparts. I noted that they looked like an nightmareish Ambercrombe catalog, to which my friend responded, that they're just a bunch of Fitches.

"Fitches and Hoes," I replied, "Fitches and Hoes."